I`m naked at an
award ceremony
I`m hiding behind Jarvis Cocker and he´s eating canap?Šs
I`ve got a laser pen
and I`m shining it on Salman Rushdie´s forehead like that
Missing Brian May´s hair by a fraction
Yeah, I`m naked, but nobody seems to mind
Record company execs tuck into their meat and two veg
I wince but carry on with a tall story about tapestry
The theme tune to "Howard´s Way"
Plays gleefully in the backround
And everybody taps their feet
Meat Loaf wets himself he´s gotta leave
So I`m asked to fill this place in the show
I duet with a chauffeur
Who´s driving Whitney Houston or somebody like that
We sing "Abide With Me" at the top of our voices
To my surprise i get an erection
Not a full-one erection like Jeff Stryker
but a timid Aled Jones sort of affair
Anyway, my singing partner is appalled and leaves the stage
Through the medium of dance
I explain what Shirley Bassey`s back garden looks like
Brings the house down
Everyone gets cold and leaves
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